Faith

I'm a science geek. I love thinking of things in terms of experiences, experimentation and evidence. This brought me to the conclusion that I doubt the existence of god as practiced in most religious faiths.

Though I haven't spent extensive time studying all tenants of major faiths, my casual examination leads me to atheism. I would adjust my thinking should a reliable source confirm a god like higher power.

I do see many things greater than myself. Things like group think, the ocean and nature in general leave me in awe of their great power. I find social connection to be amazing and it's my belief that biological connection may be behind intriguing studies on the power of prayer.

I'd like to single out the Christian faith for a few events that pushed me more toward atheism. Mainly because I have more contact with Christians.

I grew up loosely associated with the Mormon faith. My youth made it all seem so silly when it wasn't down right crazy. It didn't help that the crazy Mormon lady I lived with disobeyed the faith by drinking Coca Cola. She taught me that even though she demanded rigorous adherence to her ridiculous standards, she couldn't live up to her own set of values.

Later in high school, my friends talked some about their faith and I felt a little left out. Like there was something powerful in their connection to a power greater than themselves. I wondered what I was missing. I am afraid of "the faithful" because of the abuse I suffered.

I do respect other people who choose an organized faith path. So long as they let me alone to believe as I choose.

Still later, at holiday time, I often felt hypocritical because I didn't believe in the faith aspect. I heard another atheist speak of it being a social time of connection and gift giving. I felt a lot better after that. Though I do see some of the rushing around and worry a bit too much stress. I try and stay out of that.

While at the home of some relatives of my friend, I heard a Born Again Christian tell his children that there were dinosaurs on Noah's ark. It saddened me to see someone hold so tightly to their mythos that they fail to realize the power of their story.

This same father refused to take yoga for fear of being corrupted by the Indian mythos. I started to wonder why the power of "Jesus" didn't prevent this from happening? I've heard from other sources that "God" gives believers free will. Okay, I like free will, but what is their faith FOR if it doesn't give them the power to exercise without falling prey to a new faith?

My illusions of faith finally completely broke down after an online conversation with a devout Christian young lady. She desperately wanted to be in a relationship, but said she couldn't go out with men. She was so afraid the man would excite her into a sexual frenzy. Since that would be against "his plan," she refused to date anyone.

This floored me. Again, her belief didn't seem to comfort or guide her. It just kept her stuck. Clearly these people are not typical of all people's of faith. I know plenty of Christians who take and even teach yoga and plenty of deeply faithful young women who date without hopping into bed with the first person who smiles their direction. However, what they showed me was the lack of power in their "Jesus."

I started to feel the power of my own brain. If I don't want to sleep with a man, I wont. I don't happen to have any faith guiding me against it, so I view it as a choice. I can do what I think is in my physical  mental and emotional best interests.

I do understand that some may take offense at my commentary. Please understand that my conclusions are for me. If you find power and comfort in your faith, I have no interest in influencing your choice.

Kind and thoughtful comments welcome.

Do that to me one more time..

Oh my fucking god. Sorry for the language, but it's where I am at. I cannot believe I didn't see it before today. I made the SAME MISTAKE! I know that life is full of missteps, fumbles and falters; I just try and not repeat the error.

Evidently my psyche has other plans. 

Let me draw you the picture of my life the first time I made this mistake. My ex and I had been married three years when we had a terrible fight. It was the weekend of our third anniversary in fact. We went on a trip from Los Angeles to San Diego. He had a pager on his hip and he got a message from my best friend. 

I was jealous of them working together. I teased them about their closeness but I was genuinely angry and bothered by it. I knew they were getting closer and I knew they were going to end up together. I think now that I didn't want to stop it. I think now that I wanted out, because as I was gaining my independence from him, I was starting to think he wasn't enough of a man for me. 

We started a business together seven years before this. We weren't making bushels of money, but I loved how we built a nice base of regular customers and relationships with suppliers. I didn't think I'd done much, but once I was outside of it, I realized I did two thirds of the work. 

So my ex and I had a fight after he called her back and just chatted with her while I stood by. This was back when cell phones were rare and so I stood outside the payphone watching his body language as he romanced my best friend. I griped at him through dinner and went to bed angry. In the morning I cried while we showered together and he was trying to romance me too. 

We went on to the San Diego Wild Animal Park and as we walked around, I knew my marriage was over. He clung to me, but I knew that he didn't love me, he just didn't like letting go.

We denied it all and when we got back home, the stress put me into a deep sleep. He woke me and wanted to go have dinner. He said the most amazing thing. He said "Nancy wants to eat." That was her name.. my "best friend" who he was having an emotional if not a physical affair with... Nancy. 

I screamed for him to leave me alone. I did scream "go sleep with her, you want to anyway." Then I called my other friend Carol and she came and got me and I spent the night at her house. Hours of crying and tossing and turning restlessly. 

Carol took me home the next day. My ex wasn't home, he had some business to do and so I waited. He was shocked to see me. He thought I had left for good. I said no. I was so sad and hurt, but I wanted to stay married. Or I thought I did. I thought I was the cause of all our problems. I thought I wasn't a good enough lover and that's what made him look for someone outside our marriage.

So we went out to dinner so we could talk and I wouldn't get overly emotional. This was my idea, because if I'm just crying and carrying on, nothing gets worked out. But I keep myself in check if I'm in public. Mostly. 

So this song came over the radio in the restaurant. "Who's Sorry Now"  sung by Andy Gibb and Barbara Streisand. The lines that hit me; 

"What, what kind of fool Tears it apart

Leaving me pain and sorrow ...
I only apologize
For being as they say, the last to know
It has to show
When someone is in your eyes "

So I sat in that restaurant and quietly wept as I realized the words were true. I think I said, "Oh my god, you slept with Nancy. " I think he said "you told me to. " Still, I should have decided to divorce him, but I didn't. 

For three days we were in dire relationship negotiations. I made him sleep on the couch and we put off business dealings while we figured out what to do. On the third day he came to me while I was getting ready for my regular therapy session and demanded he be let back in my bed to sleep. When I said no, he defiantly said that if I wouldn't do that, he might as well go sleep with Nancy. 

I consider that my best worst day. Finally, he said something that I couldn't blame myself for. It was the last straw. He packed some belongings and left. 

I found a lawyer through an online friend and made an appointment. I was out of a job and a marriage. I failed to realize that I did so much work in the business. All the planning, growing and directing resource skills were in my basket. He was a wonderful technician and contributed that skill well, but I made it work. My two thirds to his one third.  

I told him I wanted paid for my half of the business and he agreed. He took a year to destroy the business. Maybe he did it on purpose, maybe just lacked competence, I can't really say which is true. I got an income for a while, but he called me up one day and asked me to pay for his bankruptcy. He showed me all the debts and I noted that he had increased them by $50,000. I had no debts of my own and a small amount of savings and I'd be damned if I was going to pay for half his mess. 

So I lived with really messed up credit for a while. My divorce became final and I went back to school. 

In hindsight, I realized that I should have kept the business and hired some technical people to do the work. I simply didn't know at the time what my skills were. I thought he was the business. I was wrong and I failed to learn a valuable lesson. 

When Murry and I moved to Oregon, we wanted to start a business. We're a much different couple and I'm a much different person. I accept blame when it's mine, but I don't put up with anyone trying to push it on me. Never again. 

We started our business from the ashes of someone else's failure. I thought we could make a go, because the owner before them had a nice business. We hired two people to start who were far more experienced in retail than I. We let them run the day to day operations for the first two years. I started keeping tighter rein on operations when we weren't making enough to cover expenses.

Advisers told us that it would take three years to get to profitability so Murry and I just kept going, but we were really struggling. Our two main employees were often at odds with each other. It got to the point where our accountant was suggesting we get rid of one of them. I didn't know what to to do. One of them came to me and offered to be laid off. I took her up on her offer. 

I saw the other employee as a better fit and I indirectly chose him. I think that was my biggest mistake and one that I repeated from my first business. 

I'm posting this on a different day from my regular Monday, Wednesday and Friday schedule. I thought it was valuable enough to post it as soon as I finished writing it. Comments welcome. 

I failed to see the value of vision, management, subtler customer service and reliability. Plus I created a monster in the person I chose.  It took eight months for that monster to grow big enough to destroy the previous two years, but once he started raging, there was no stopping him. 

So both my businesses failed for the same reason. I overvalued the technical aspects of enterprise and undervalued the more subtle leadership skills. 

I'm most ashamed that I didn't learn from my first mistake. That's not to beat myself up, that's to remind myself to get REALLY clear when I do things in the future! 

It occurs to me that this post is a little disjointed  It's about my epiphany of realizing I made the same mistake, so why is there relationship stuff at the beginning? I don't entirely know. I just feel the need to tell the story.