Who Are You

Some buddies online posted two different stories on being "gifted" as a child. One was about how gifted or as my school called it, academically talented labels put a unintended burden on being wrong or doing things badly. Another explored how the expectations of us as a child lead to a sense of disappointment if we weren't the gifted adult everyone expected.

I see now in writing this out, they're interrelated.

I can be wrong and I can accept doing something in a less than "right" way. To be creative, requires a lot of messy preparation.

Someone gave me a charcoal pencil to draw with and at first I smudged everything I drew. I got charcoal dust all over my nose and hands too. Eventually I figured out to use less pressure and more shading and got better at the medium.

One art teacher put silverware in glasses of water and used lighting to shine and reflect off the glass and metal. We were tasked with drawing what we saw. I still have some of those pieces I drew.

I think of myself as a creative being and work at making that statement be enough. Doing art expresses a side of me for a purpose removed from the quality of the work. I do care about quality, just not enough to stop me.

As for my promise as an academically talented kid, I see now that any loss of "rising to my potential" comes from those who failed me. First, they assumed tests revealed a destination I never desired.

Because I did well on standardized and IQ tests, many teachers assumed that I should do a profession that they perceived suited me. Instead of building on what I wanted, they intimidated me into selecting law as one of my goals.

I picked interior design. I got told "you're too smart for that." All that taught me was that they weren't going to listen to what might make me happy so I quit telling "authority" much about my desires.

Not only did this make me suspicious of guidance counselors and teachers, it also distracted me from my own goals. I took a drafting class in order to try and find a practical application for my desire to be artistic.

At a high school career event, a guide suggested engineering for my talents. I knew nothing about even what an engineer did, really. I figured these "professionals" understood me and at least I'd get to do SOME things I liked. Or so I thought.

When I first went to college, I really needed really good mentoring. The most obvious guidance could have come from fellow disabled members of society, someone who survived trauma or even just someone without much family educational support.

I felt like a dismal failure. Now I look back at my first college attempt and I see a real lack of support. I did better the second time around even though I had more trouble in class.

I got onto a hard science track, switching to chemistry, and did better for a bit. Then I got overconfident and took on too much. I did ask for help from the wrong person and they confused me into tripping up. I had just turned 20. I knew they were giving me wrong advice, but I didn't know how to find a better adviser. I quit school.

My partner at the time started teaching me about computers and we ended up starting a business of our own. I love using the computer, reading about them and even building some. That was my life for many years. I even kept my eye on the industry after that partner and I broke apart.

Having diverse interests has been both a joy and a curse. This gives me many options but sometimes with that comes confusion. I love lots of things and choosing what to put my attention to leaves me in distress.

I moved in with a housemate that lived a block from a well respected community college. I decided to dip my toe in once again, about six years after my last college attempt. This time my efforts felt great.

I tried chemistry again, but it didn't quite fit my adult sensibilities. I met a lady in a magazine writing class and she helped guide me to trying my hand at journalism. I found an adviser and mentor in that department and I did well.

For me, writing gave me the freedom to pursue all my interests. I could bypass all the prerequisites and just call up some chemist and ask questions or ask about how an artistic designer found inspiration.

Still, I struggled with furthering my education. I have no degree of any kind. I'm okay with this. I see now that having a lot of varied experience creates a pleasurable life. I lived up to MY potential.

Only I didn't know what I wanted until I looked back and saw the crazy road. I'm okay with that too. I try and help others find their sips of joy. Either in recovery, resilience or just life in general.

Be a mentor ESPECIALLY if you haven't got things all figured out. Let others know that their crooked journey is as valid as any other.

Kind comments encouraged.