Hit the Road Jack

Well, hit the road, Debbie. The day before I moved into the house that Murry owned, his roommate's girlfriend, Debbie, had a meltdown.

She somehow convinced herself that the new woman would threaten her status. Turns out, she had reason for concern, but I'll get to that in a minute.

She decided that Murry was "dangerous" and crawled out the window into the roof. Murry never knew what he said or did that sparked this reaction. I even asked him if my moving in would be any issue and he said it wouldn't.

So there she stood, jumping up and down calling "help police," while Murry tried to coax her inside. Roommate, Bob, hadn't gotten home from work. Murry had a guest over and they were just watching TV when she started acting weird.

Back then, Murry worked nights and it was about time for him to go to work so he left. A neighbor called the police and they arrived the same time as Bob and since they didn't know what was happening, put him in handcuffs.

They managed to get her to come to the door and she said it wasn't the guy. Bob told them that it must be a landlord issue and they left without filing any report.

Murry came to visit me on his way to work and said that she was being weird. I knew something was gonna be up when I showed up with my truck full of stuff the next day. She tried to tell how "dangerous" it was to live there. The only danger I felt was from her.

Murry decided that she needed to leave and he insisted she get her own place. I guess he felt she had tenant rights so he gave her 30 days for this. After 30 days, supposedly she had her own place, but she hung around her boyfriend and would stay up there while he worked. We could hear her stomping around.

Friends and her daughter showed up at the door asking for her. Implying we would harm her, the daughter said she was "checking on mom."

One evening, she and Bob came in and started walking past me as I lay on the couch  watching TV. She stopped and reached over and started petting the cat laying on my lap. Then she snarked  that I should tell Murry she has her own place. This didn't have anything to do with me, so I told her that was between them and that she needed to tell him herself.

She called me a bitch and whined about how he's too dangerous to talk to. Bob hustled her out of the room and apologized. I must have looked up in a way that told him she had crossed a line with me.

I'd been ignoring her for the better part of three months. Until that night, I didn't feel it was my place to say or do anything. I'd always believed the pen was mightier than the sword, but I had no idea how powerfully it could pierce.

I wrote her a one page letter and posted it on the front door and the door to the Bob's loft room. I don't remember all nine points, but I remember it was filled with rational musings on the situation.

If she didn't consider this her address, why did people come looking for her there? Why was she there alone? If Murry's so scary, why did she come into the house at all?

I also put a sign with big fonts that said "Deborah does not live here" on the front door. She ripped down the notes and called me a bitch again. But she did it as she stormed out.

I never saw her again. Murry said he saw her in Bob's car about a week after this.

Bob wasn't a bad guy. Seems weird that he would hook up with a selfish bat shit crazy woman. They did eventually break up. and he moved on and bought a house.

Debbie kind of reminded me of my mom. they're both selfish, self abusing lost souls who will defend their crazy with righteous indignation. I wish them both peace.

Got any roommate stories? I'd love to hear them.

Paved Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot

What most people call love, I call attraction. Seeing someone across a room and feeling that sense of flutter can draw you to seek them out. It's only after you get to know their particulars that you can decide to love. Yes, I called it a decision. We don't run after just anyone who catches our fancy. They might be involved or have characteristics we abhor. We use our experiences and criteria to select who can move closer.

My friend Jess lamented that her boyfriend wouldn't commit. He kept stringing her along. I felt for her, but I didn't understand. He clearly wasn't interested in her enough to make time for her. So long as she was involved with him, she couldn't seem to find someone better. So she waited.

I suggested that he was like an old clunky car taking up space in her garage. You can't put a shiny new BMW in your space until you send the old beat up Chevy to the junk yard. No reason to disparage the past, maybe that boyfriend car drove you to where you needed at the time. Send it on to someone who can use it for something else.  Honor your time together, wish for peace for future road trips and let go.

Okay, boyfriends aren't exactly like cars. Usually you want to get another car to use ASAP.  Relationships require some time alone to sort out what happened and where you want to go from here.

Start with cleaning your emotional garage. Remove everything related to a past relationship. Put it in one box somewhere out of the way. You'll get back to it later. Now start decorating your space with your true personality. If you are messy, make a meaningful to you mess. If you're organized, get some of those shelf units with hooks and peg board and all that. BE YOU, ALL YOU! That way, when you start looking for something new, you don't have to change your life for it.

Spend some time being you. Prepare yourself for a new relationship by taking care of something like a plant or a pet. You don't have to bring them into your life, but you do need to experience some attachments to living things. Start doing activities you love. Join the Sierra Club, attend science fiction conventions, take a cooking class, plant a garden or go for a walk in a rose garden. Those are my likes, tell me some of yours?

Spend a good six months finding out what lights your fire. Then go through your past relationship box and remember the good, let go of the pain and see it for what it was. I had a kind boyfriend I cared for, he was just what I needed while we were together. He served as an EXCELLENT transitional person. We got together seven months after my first marriage broke up. I'm deeply grateful for the perspective he showed me.

We were together two years and I decided to end it when I realized it was hurting me to be involved with someone I didn't see a future with. We are still friends. I wish him the best.

I started doing everything I dreamed about. I wrote down goals and plans and step by step set things in motion. After the breakup of my first marriage a friend suggested I take a wonderful trip and send him a postcard, "Having a wonderful time, glad you're not here." I went to Europe, lived in Oxfordshire for a few months and traveled in Italy and France. I bought hundreds of postcards. Though I didn't send one to my ex, I did chuckle with every purchase.

There I was busy being my happy messy self and I came across my prize BMW revved up and waiting for me. Big Murry Wow.

Your Turn!

Unchain Your Heart

My friend Zan told me George Clooney and his girlfriend broke up. She wanted kids and ole Georgie wants to remain the rogue bachelor. At least he knows what he wants and she's smart enough to see that and not sit around pining for him to "change."

People don't. Well, that's not true, every choice someone makes changes them, but most people just want to do what they want to do. They don't change on your schedule. Like whacking one billiard ball with another, you can influence others behaviors, but that whacking can't turn them into a butterfly.

If you want a beautiful winged insect, stop looking in pool halls.

Clearly define what you want BEFORE you start going out with ANYONE! If you want to have a good time, no strings attached, go find someone who shares those values. It's a good idea to be VERY CAREFUL you know yourself and understand what all of you wants. You might find yourself in love with someone you picked as a good time Charlie. You changed, he won't.

"Please, universe, send me one like this, only single!" 

I knew Murry before I ever met him. Not only were we friends online, but I had a clear picture in my head of what characteristics I wanted in a mate. I had a sample in my real live friend named Paul. We met at a party and just hit it off as friends. He was happily married to a friend of a friend. He never suggested anything untoward, had he, he wouldn't be my example.

His friendly, easy going attitude gave me a template to shoot for. Plus we talked about all kinds of ideas that made different parts of my brain alight with intrigue. I remember programming my brain to look for someone like Paul. "Please, universe, send me one like this, only single!" Now the song "Mr. Sandman" is playing in my head!

I don't think we get everything we look for, but having a handful of standards helps a lot. I needed someone who's intellect matched mine. Someone into science, space, science fiction and adventuring. I wanted someone with a job, a house and who shared my open minded political views. Since I am unable to drive, I wanted a mate who drove his own decent car.

Dr. Phil suggests a list of "Deal Breakers" too. I've got those. These are just things I don't want in MY life, I don't care if someone has them or does them in their own. I watched too much abuse with my mother so no drinkers, drug addicts, smokers or abusers. I don't want an open relationship. Should Murry find himself infatuated with someone enough to consider cheating, he can come to me and break up. I'd be hurt, but that would be the end. Prejudice and homophobia baffle me, so that's not something I want in a mate.

Dreams can come true. Don't go on a date with George Clooney if you want to be with Tom Hanks. Maybe I'll baffle Murry and start calling him Tom for a while ;)