Who Are You

Some buddies online posted two different stories on being "gifted" as a child. One was about how gifted or as my school called it, academically talented labels put a unintended burden on being wrong or doing things badly. Another explored how the expectations of us as a child lead to a sense of disappointment if we weren't the gifted adult everyone expected.

I see now in writing this out, they're interrelated.

I can be wrong and I can accept doing something in a less than "right" way. To be creative, requires a lot of messy preparation.

Someone gave me a charcoal pencil to draw with and at first I smudged everything I drew. I got charcoal dust all over my nose and hands too. Eventually I figured out to use less pressure and more shading and got better at the medium.

One art teacher put silverware in glasses of water and used lighting to shine and reflect off the glass and metal. We were tasked with drawing what we saw. I still have some of those pieces I drew.

I think of myself as a creative being and work at making that statement be enough. Doing art expresses a side of me for a purpose removed from the quality of the work. I do care about quality, just not enough to stop me.

As for my promise as an academically talented kid, I see now that any loss of "rising to my potential" comes from those who failed me. First, they assumed tests revealed a destination I never desired.

Because I did well on standardized and IQ tests, many teachers assumed that I should do a profession that they perceived suited me. Instead of building on what I wanted, they intimidated me into selecting law as one of my goals.

I picked interior design. I got told "you're too smart for that." All that taught me was that they weren't going to listen to what might make me happy so I quit telling "authority" much about my desires.

Not only did this make me suspicious of guidance counselors and teachers, it also distracted me from my own goals. I took a drafting class in order to try and find a practical application for my desire to be artistic.

At a high school career event, a guide suggested engineering for my talents. I knew nothing about even what an engineer did, really. I figured these "professionals" understood me and at least I'd get to do SOME things I liked. Or so I thought.

When I first went to college, I really needed really good mentoring. The most obvious guidance could have come from fellow disabled members of society, someone who survived trauma or even just someone without much family educational support.

I felt like a dismal failure. Now I look back at my first college attempt and I see a real lack of support. I did better the second time around even though I had more trouble in class.

I got onto a hard science track, switching to chemistry, and did better for a bit. Then I got overconfident and took on too much. I did ask for help from the wrong person and they confused me into tripping up. I had just turned 20. I knew they were giving me wrong advice, but I didn't know how to find a better adviser. I quit school.

My partner at the time started teaching me about computers and we ended up starting a business of our own. I love using the computer, reading about them and even building some. That was my life for many years. I even kept my eye on the industry after that partner and I broke apart.

Having diverse interests has been both a joy and a curse. This gives me many options but sometimes with that comes confusion. I love lots of things and choosing what to put my attention to leaves me in distress.

I moved in with a housemate that lived a block from a well respected community college. I decided to dip my toe in once again, about six years after my last college attempt. This time my efforts felt great.

I tried chemistry again, but it didn't quite fit my adult sensibilities. I met a lady in a magazine writing class and she helped guide me to trying my hand at journalism. I found an adviser and mentor in that department and I did well.

For me, writing gave me the freedom to pursue all my interests. I could bypass all the prerequisites and just call up some chemist and ask questions or ask about how an artistic designer found inspiration.

Still, I struggled with furthering my education. I have no degree of any kind. I'm okay with this. I see now that having a lot of varied experience creates a pleasurable life. I lived up to MY potential.

Only I didn't know what I wanted until I looked back and saw the crazy road. I'm okay with that too. I try and help others find their sips of joy. Either in recovery, resilience or just life in general.

Be a mentor ESPECIALLY if you haven't got things all figured out. Let others know that their crooked journey is as valid as any other.

Kind comments encouraged.

Lucky (Woah) Man

A few months ago I read a book by the CEO a major online retailer who said he would rather hire a person who thought they were lucky over a person who thought they were skilled. Um, I'm not getting a job there. Sokay, despite the hype about it being a "fun" place, I don't get a vibe that the hype is real.

Now I'm reading a book that analyzed a bunch of different companies. They suggests those CEOs use planning to overcome "bad luck." I'm more in this camp, but I do think there are amazing life experiences that happen from knowing when to go with the unforeseen.

The Los Angeles Times awarded me and about 30 others small scholarships at a nice dinner and talk in their building. After our meal, they brought all of us down to the newsroom. We couldn't go in very far as we were a large group. It just looked like a bunch of cubicles. Messy empty offices filled with books and papers. Not terribly impressive.

Several months later, I had a job interview across the street from that same building. I had a contact of a guy who had visual problems who worked at the LA Times moving stories to the wire service. I'd never met him, but I thought it would be cool to see what he did.

I called and arranged to meet after I had my interview. Nice man, we chatted while I watched him work and then went to lunch. Turns out his wife ran some big department and after lunch he took me up to her office. Right into the news room and even cooler, she gave me a private tour of the paste up room, explained how they sent the pages to the printer and treated me as if I could work there once I finished my degree.

I never finished my degree and I am not that into newspaper journalism, but I'm glad I got to see all that. Wish I'd known someone in the press room so I could see that too.

Neither luck nor skill made it happen. I think coincidence, the randomness and happenstance that comes with casual networking.

I've done the active planning and seeking contacts, and it seems to not come to as much as that coincidental liaison. I do think that the planning teaches us to know what we want before we see it. I don't consider it "bad" to plan. I do think it's limiting to limit anything to only the plan. Seize the day.

I think my problem with calling coincidence luck comes from growing up in Las Vegas. Yeah, some things are chance, and one can use that to "play the odds." That just seems so erratic. I don't like erratic. I don't like being thought it and living with those around me who live it.

And there's the atheism coming into play. Relying on randomness seems like giving up my power to something beyond my control. It seems like fantasy.

I've heard that when we can't predict most of our outcome, we drive ourselves nuts trying to make things work out. Why rely or even look for something that makes us crazy? Why look for employees that want to tempt insanity? I want to do what works most of the time. I want to do what matters to me.

I think I would say that I am open to the possibilities of coincidence.

How do you view luck?