Blindness

Last night on Charlie Rose he had a bunch of guests talking about curing blindness. Very interesting science, but quite humiliating depictions of blind folks.

I'm all for a cure for my blindishness. Sign me up today! But what are you going to do for me if it doesn't work on my condition?

The only representative from the blind community lost his sight at age 20. That's rough for anyone. Going from one state to the next, all of life's major transitions, come as a shock.

Add to this how Charlie and some of the other guests spoke of the devastation and fear associated with blindness. Be afraid, be very afraid. Live in fear of losing something and fail to prepare for reality. Yeah, that's a great strategy.

Stop projecting your fear onto our existence. JUST STOP IT!

Sighted people's fear creates a public that lives in fear of associating with blind people. Then there are the do gooders. The software makers who decide what accessibility features work best without consulting those with visual impairments.

For example, the magnifying glass application that I use has a major flaw. It puts the mouse right in the middle of the enlargement window, enlarged of course. This covers up what I'm trying to read. I can't change where the mouse rests within the window. So I make the window bigger than necessary and read on the other side of the mouse. This imperfect solution works okay. It's better than having to download and test yet another piece of software.

I image there are all kinds of published studies on imperfect people. I bet they show that we are happy and sad and angry and fearful at about the same rate as more "average" people. We want to have meaningful lives and get married, just like the average person.

I expect that if you see me struggling, you'll offer to help. JUST like if I am aware of your struggles, I will offer mine. Both of us can say no thank you. Don't assume your help is needed and just try and do something for me. Some things I want or need to work out on my own.

I realize my disability factors in as part of my existence. It's rough to find work if you don't fit into the mold of the potential employers. We can change that mold by requesting that people are portrayed more as they are and less as a caricature of who someone thinks they are.

Kind comments encouraged.

School's Out for Summer

Science and math compliment each other. Most of the classes I took had a math prerequisite. Having them taught with two different instructors, left me somewhat confused.

While taking chemistry and pre-calculus during the same semester, we covered logarithms at the same time. Finally the value of logs made sense. I aced the test in both classes because the subjects paralleled each other.

I told the math teacher that the "word problems" within the text book were vague and difficult to understand, but doing the exact same thing IN chemistry, made it all become clear.

I think that math and science classes need to be taught together. I mentioned this to some friends and they suggested that humanities have similar complimentary classes. Things like social studies, literature and even history all go together. Often my literature instructor talked about the times in which a story was written and explained how that colored the perspective of the author. Dry history  turns into exciting river rapids if taught with a flair for the social nuances of the times in which it was happening.

Teaching these classes in a complimentary way would benefit students by engaging them more in the topics. With math, it's way easier to understand logs if you use the calculation for something you can see. With literature, Jonothan Swift's "A Modest Proposal,' takes on a whole new meaning if you understand the Irish famine and political problems of the day.

Yes, it's a more complicated educational model and would require far more educator coordination. Plus it goes against the status quo.

Perhaps such a plan could begin with a simple coordination of subjects. When I took college level theater as literature along with film as literature, the professor complimented the two classes. Not everything did a direct connection, but we did watch two different films about Shakespeare's Richard III while we read the play. We also saw a live performance. All in the span of a week.

We didn't, but we could have talked about the history of that king in our history class. Those two professors could have simply coordinated and shared a brief examination of the truth versus reality of the fictional accounts.

We did talk about these things with regard to the fictional portrayal of William Wallace. Though Braveheart wasn't one of the films we viewed in our literature class.

What class combinations would you like to see? For educators, have you had experience with any kind of coordination with other subjects? How did these work out? Kind and thoughtful comments welcome.

King Midas

Last year about this time, Murry and I decided that we couldn't afford to keep our store open any longer. We had begged, borrowed and cajoled as much as we could from our friends and family.

Tuesday of this week, I had a massive bout of personal failure. I suspect that the anniversary of the business closing, along with having to fill out some biographical information for the Oregon Commission for the Blind, overwhelmed my confidence.

I'm doing better now, but it took me some time to sort out that the one year anniversary could be a big source of stress. Murry suggested I just do one thing. Concentrate on going to Curves. I love going to exercise and interact with people.

I also changed doctors this month and ended up with a very similar person. She's from a different country and has browner skin, but what irritated me about my previous doctor, irritates me about this one. This was my fear. Getting stuck with the same thing.

I'm going to stick with the new doc because I don't have any kind of bad history with her. I am going to try and express my feelings more up front. I've found, that if one expresses a troubled emotional history, doctors ignore any other thing you say. But I can talk about my "today" feelings.

My friend Jess asked me what I wanted in a doctor, I think I posted that I have no idea. I kind of do, but I am a bit afraid to ask for it. It seems pointless to ask for what isn't very likely. Though, what does it hurt to dream?

I want my doctor to see me as a person with lots of interrelated medical conditions. I want someone who cares about my emotional state as much as the physical. I want a doc that tries to deal with conditions as a whole body approach. I want appreciation for the efforts I am making. I want a real person who understands that chocolate is a valuable substance. I want reasonable doable suggestions. I can find vague generalities on my own.

I would like to talk to a nutritional expert on occasion. They must be a human who knows what it's like to be imperfect and how life is sometimes a struggle. I'm lucky I have caring people who specialize in exercise to talk to, but if I didn't, it would be nice to talk to someone like that. I wish I had a group that talked about the emotional aspects of letting go of weight on a regular basis.

If I really had everything health related in a perfect state, I wish I could do therapy in a park while taking a nice walk. I know that's pure fantasy, but I think it would be good to give my body something to do so it wouldn't just sit in a chair and fret when talking about my problems.

So these are the things that have been on my mind this week. As always, kind comments welcome!

In the Year 2525

If you don't know the song I used as title, find it and listen. Lots of social comment in lyrical form. Interesting.

So I've had a thought and though it's different than the song implies, I felt the flavor suited my thinking best. I have a proposal of sorts to the wealthy and those who wish to deny the less fortunate any opportunity to thrive. Why play these ridiculous games?

The planet cannot continue to support this many people. Rather than  locking up and turning off their heat, why not start farming the less thans?

Jonathan Swift suggested just eating babies in his essay "A Modest Proposal." I say, why stop there? Many wealthy people have made it clear that they feel  the poor are a nuisance  So why not remove the problem? Start with prisoners. They're "bad," after all.

Then I suggest farming the homeless. Oh, first you get them off the street to fatten them up for some nice marbling. Then anyone who's ever been on welfare or government funded disability income. Grandma might not be so tasty, so feed her to the younger poor.

A committee will need to be formed to figure out who to eat and who might be too toxic. Perhaps made up of former prison guards?

Removing the weakest links will strengthen the offspring of those at the top. No more need for tax increases to pay for any entitlements. Much of that farmland that we use for cattle and corn can be turned back into natural habitat.

The privileged can make their human cattle perform a limited farming duty on the land that remains. After all, potatoes and a nice salad go well with meat.

This will take a few centuries to accomplish as there will be some who may resist. But once it's in full swing, the rest of the life on the planet will have time to recover. Then the progeny of the powerful  can reap.. or rape... the benefits of less people using up resources.

I feel my rational, suggestions serve a valid argument. Should your views, differ, state them plainly.

If you take this as a serious proposal, I think you should possibly be the first to graze the future pastures.

Kind comments welcome.

Doctor, Doctor!

I fled my doctor's office in tears. I've come to realize that something about our discussion triggered a fight or flight response in me. I know I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I just thought I'd mostly dealt with it.

Some tell me I over share. While my drama sometimes sticks around when I express it, usually things get better when I can resolve my conflicts. Doing so publicly means there is a chance that someone else can benefit from my meltdowns.

The Oregon health plan allows you to change doctors twice in a 12 month period. We have few general practitioners in our rural county and I didn't quite know how to pick one.  I asked around, but the doctor everyone suggested wasn't taking patients. I did find someone who patiently listened to my problems and suggested two doctors for me.

Since I don't have many choices, I have decided that I will go in with this new one with my own plan and lay down the law right off the bat. She can advise and counsel  but I will decide what I will and wont do. I will be stubborn and reject any and all suggestions that I don't feel will help me.

I haven't decided if I shall disclose my emotional history. I feel it may not matter and some medical professionals use such disclosures as a kind of excuse for rejecting my point of view.

I recently told someone to play all the what ifs to a situation. Rather than sit and decide what an outcome will be, test it in your mind and figure out what to do if....  before ever going into action. Plan for the worst, make strategies then expect the best. I guess I'll take my own advice. I feel so much better now.

See, that's why I "over share." Someone might read that and take that tack in their own life.

Kind comments welcome.

Amazing Grace

As a moral atheist, I get quite confused by this notion that one must be faithful to be good. When I stated this to a friend, he agreed. He wondered if people of faith were confronted with irrefutable proof that god did not exist, if they would just break out raping and pillaging?

Some might, I don't know. I tend to think that the secular consequences give people more pause in their actions. If you steal, you go to jail. If you drive the wrong way down a road, you lose your license.

I admit, I've stolen this next thought. What about the faith based rules that have changed as people figured out how to do things differently? Like the reasons for not eating pork had a lot to do with improper cooking methods. What happens to people who were committed to eternal damnation for violating such rules? Do they get a transfer to purgatory or heaven?

As a member of society, I feel a sense of responsibility to vote, to ask questions and to participate. I'm American, so we have a set of rules established over the centuries. As social morays changed, so did these rules.

My personal motto is unless it gets in your way, what's it to ya? I understand some questions are up for debate and I grapple with them as much as the next person. Not from a faith perspective, but from one of "is this good for most of society?"

Is it better for kids to be raised with a mother and a father? I say yes. First, two parents can provide financially. Second, society favors a man and a woman relationship. Does this mean I am  against same sex coupling or parenting? No. I just see it as a challenge.

My childhood would have benefited from some stability, though I don't think I would be who I am if not for the obstacles I faced. I want single moms, homeless vets and mixed up addicts to find social support.

I fail to see how it helps society or anyone to be labeled as sinful. Heck, how about we let go of lots of unhelpful labeling. Godless, for instance.

I get it, some people who practice a secular lifestyle, get in the face of those that practice faith. I understand that you may feel someone is taking something from you.

Take a second to consider what it's like to be in our shoes. Church has a social aspect that it's hard to find if you don't believe. We have no representation in most legislatures and not a single person has been elected to the United States congress without invoking faith.

Homosexuality, which some consider a grave sin, has more social support. Though that is quite a recent phenomenon.

I pay attention to community rules and don't break laws. I will admit, I've not heard of atheists getting beat up or killed. That is not to say that it doesn't happen. I think we lurk quietly on our own.

Possibly in science classes and laboratories. We ask questions and wonder about the true nature of things. We marry, love others, drive our cars and behave as part of the group.

I invite the faithful to befriend an atheist today. Not as a new possible convert, but as a possible friend. Agree to have differing points of view on some things. Agree to agree on other things.

We're not gonna snatch your babies and eat them, honest!

Kind comments welcome!

War!

War! HUH What is it good for? Absolutely NOTHIN.

Those lyrics play on my brain every time I hear the term "War on Poverty." I understand their sentiment, though my philosophy tends toward an open mind.

I'm neither for or against the concept of going to war. Sometimes a country has to defend it's ideals and back it up with force. Sometimes, those interests are vague and tenuous. Sometimes, they're made up. But that's a whole other war post.

War as a term for an organized effort to accomplish some huge social undertaking started I suppose with President Lyndon Johnson's "War on Poverty."

This would be the time I would say war has no use. First, the point of war is to fight. The object becomes a putting down of an "enemy"  who's reverse object is to put YOU down first. Adversaries fight, that's the point.

I argue that it should be a peace on poverty. Peace is negotiated.

Especially in the case of poverty. The poor lack resources and live in devastation. This resembles more the end of a war, to a time of seeking reconstruction and cessation of hostilities.

There's a concept in real estate called attractive nuisance. That is, if an abandoned house has one window broken, it wont be long before more windows in that house will lose their glass. The pattern stops if the first incident gets repaired.

Caring for a society means caring for all segments within it. A poor, disenfranchised population becomes the attractive nuance, breaking windows until they get the attention they deserve.

It doesn't matter if we "love" our fellow man, what matters is we are interdependent on each other. That if a large poor population spreads disease, these diseases cross income lines. It benefits all social strata to have a reasonably healthy, educated and content lower class.

On the other side, if they're sick, stupid and angry, untold hardship can come from their frustration. Things like riots, drug use and other mayhem. None of which will stay within the poor community.

So let us save everyone and create programs that eliminate the attractive nuisance of poverty.

We need a Peaceful Reconstruction.

Ain't gonna do WAR no more!

Kind comments welcome!

Who Are You

I don't do "resolutions" for new years. I do self evaluations and possibly goals. Some goal guru's would decidedly NOT approve of my method, but others gave me the idea in the first place!

I make plans and set things in motion, but if they don't work out, I change streams. I used an inspiration piece for my master bath and went to pick color samples for it. I got distracted by this color called gold fish. The master bedroom ended up completely different from what I imagined. I LOVED IT.

I wrote down on a piece of paper all the crazy ways I could get me a house. Then I just put it in a drawer and forgot about it. After I had my house, I found it again. It's weird, but I got my house through one of the ways.

Murry thinks that prayer works as a way to focus ourselves and sort out what we want. As an atheist, I prefer to call it intentional thought. Whatever you call it, putting out a request gives you a kind of message board to tack ideas to.

So my questions starting this year are: Who am I and what do I want. Yes, I stole these questions from Babylon 5, where JMS got the idea is none of my business.

I write a blog, I'm hella creative and find even broken glass interesting. I am a survivor and most days thriver. I survived a painful childhood, cancer, a divorce and the loss of two business. It seems that these things made me better. I cannot say if that's the purpose of  problems.

I want enough money to do the interesting things that pop in my head. I want a diverse group of friends who think somewhat like me, but with different perspectives on topics of interest.

This year, I want to be healthier and eat well. I love stuff that's considered good for you, so at least there's that.

I want to lean toward happy and if I'm having a day, lean toward okay. I'm pretty good at that, thought I should state it for all to see.

I want to learn to let Murry be who he wants to be. I tend to want to push him past his head space. I hope I remember to do my own thing and leave him alone if he has different ideas.

I want to get more consistent about doing stuff, like posting. I started this a few days ago. I'm doing good on consistent on many things as it is, I just want to do more. I exercise three times each week and I'm getting my blood pressure tested once a week.

I will finish up my series of slavery this January. That's my one true goal. I'm also looking for a writing partner to share editing duties. Lets say I'll find one by the end of February.

So that's me, this fine January day. Who are you?

Happy New Year!

Thanks for the Memories

Thought I'm soooo glad to see 2013 go, I thought I would take some tome to say thank you for all the experiences.

I'm deeply grateful to Glenn for his generous spirit as my store started failing. He believed in us enough to help us through the last couple of weeks.

When I look back, I'm proud we went as long as we did with our store. I know that it could work with someone with a better plan. My hope is that someone will figure this out and grow it into something wonderful.

Yay for medical coverage that could deal with my cancer  quickly and that nothing spread. Thankfully, my scars are healing and my spirits are good.

I'm thankful for the Coos County Library System. The DVD section entertains me when I'm low and the access to interesting and amazing books keeps me informed on a large variety of topics.

We found a wonderful friend in Nick, who tends our yard and does odd jobs. He delights in science and science fiction as much as we do.

Life works best when you are willing to accept the less than perfect. We found a used spa tub to redo our master bathroom, a closeout vent/microwave for very cheap and Murry bought me a slightly used tablet for the holiday. Now we just need to find a deal on some cabinets.

It might sound silly, but sometimes you gotta sit down and thank the most insignificant things. Breathing comes to mind. I also have the ability to type, think and hear reasonably well. I can see some.

Strange things I learned this year include: You can cut your own hair and get noticed but changing your glasses doesn't register on anyone's radar. Vegetarian isn't so bad, once in a while.

I raise my glass of wait.. I don't have anything but water.. heh oh well.. DEAL. I raise my glass of water to the new year. How can it help but be better than this one!

Happy New Year!

Santa Baby

If you got no one to love this holiday, have a look in the mirror. That person needs love and attention.

Listen to Ertha Kit and ask for what you want. Make a plan, take a few steps and see what happens.

Before I met the Murry, I wrote down that I wanted a man like him. I also wanted a house. Murry had a house.

All I did was want those things. I had a clear definition of what they would look, sound and feel like. When I found them, they were familiar.

People like me, who grew up with an chaotic family sometimes find that familiar. Even if they vow they don't want what they lived, they find themselves repeating family patterns.

We can fill in those ruts and make a new path. It's not always easy or fun, but it's WORTH the outcome.

Make a plan, buy some sand, fill in those furrows and get working on a better life.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Great Balls of Fire

When I complain about my bad childhood and have those low moments when crying seems the only reasonable thing to do, I often lose sight of the wonderful gift it gave me. It's not some subtle abstract gift. It made me fucking awesome.

If you can't deal with that assessment, feel free to comment. Though maybe read the whole post first.

Some years before I started back to college, I talked to some friends about going to Europe. I had saved a few bucks from scholarship money and I found someone to be my companion. I thought, I'm legally blind, might be useful to have someone as a sighted guide.

Since I was paying the way, I thought that I should direct the itinerary. She didn't want to go where I wanted, see what I wanted and generally became distant. I'm not sure if I'm bossy or it just wasn't meant to be or what. None of it happened that way. Though I did get my passport.

As college wound down, I got the chance to go to a study program in Oxford, England. As part of my planning and research, I decided I wanted to see Italy and more in Europe while I was there. I got an extended ticket for a month and bought a couple of guide books and a rail pass.

With 34 fellow students on the program, I imagined I would find someone who would want to go at least a few of the same places. I made a few friends and asked them where they were going. None of them had any similar plans.

Faced with the choice of going alone, or not going, I chose to go by myself. I had blind person tools, like a magnifier  a small set of binoculars and a white cane. Though my cane wasn't a full sized used for walking one. It was just what they told me was an "indicator cane." only about three feet. It worked as just a kind of "hey, if I run into you, I didn't mean to" kind of thing. It worked well.

I also had a little translator computer I bought at Radio Shack. It was supposed to let me enter a sentence in English and then give me the phrase in the local language. It frustrated me and I never used it "in the field."

My experiences in the UK while going to school gave me confidence to do the trip by myself. I missed the school bus to go to Stone Henge so I had to find a way to catch up. I hopped a train and wandered around Salisbury, England, hoping to find the group.

As it was raining, I was wearing my rain poncho with the hood up. It occurred to me that my beacon like hair would probably make it easier for others to spot me, I lowered it. Seconds later, someone shouted my name and I caught up with our group.

It helps to be clever. After school ended later that month, I flew to Paris.

France proved a tad tricky but I'm not above asking for help and I managed to find my hostel and meet some friends. When I go back, for sure I'm buying an A to Z map of the big cities I visit. I got blissfully lost in Paris. While a joy, it's nice to get back when you want.

The guide books advised a backpack over any kind of suitcase. It leaves your hands free. I picked the lightest internal frame pack with hip strap I could find. I also took my denim day pack and a "bum bag" to carry as a purse.

Nice is nice so I said it twice. Then I hopped a train down to Rome and roamed. Okay, I'll stop now. I LOVE Italy. Aww heck, I love traveling. Got lost in Rome too. With a sighted lady who spoke Italian! She had a map. Eventually I took it from her and found our way back.

Yep, a blindish me took a map from a sighted woman and found our way back. She wanted to go see the Sistine Chapel, but we were in the wrong part of the Vatican. We did go inside St. Peters and wander around the square. Very quietly and to myself, I sang Vatican Rag by Tom Lerher. Cheeky geeky American. (sorry I wasn't going to do that anymore.)

I even LOOK American at least to one Italian guy. I approached as he sang a rousing song while unloading a truck. He broke into English and sang, "I wait for you pretty lady!" Swoon.

I stand out with the white hair and I think I was committing the cardinal travel sin of wearing sandals with socks. I never thought that was a good thing until my feet were too sore to wear regular shoes.

I found some other travel companions and I did make it to the Sistine Chapel. Though there's little comparison to it's stunning beauty, my favorite part was listening to "oh wow" in every world language.The faint scent of must and paint added to the ambiance.

After a few days, I hopped the train to Florence. The Tuscan countryside reminds me of wine country near Napa, California. Only greener and more bucolic.

The hostel couldn't accommodate me so they gave me a list of local hotels that rented rooms for fairly cheap. Twice the rate of the hostel, but I didn't have to share. I think I was there three nights. It felt like I could walk the whole city along the red terracotta roofs.

I followed some ladies into a line next to the Duomo thinking it was the way inside. Turns out it was the line to CLIMB the dome! Hundreds of steps with my bad knee and chunky body, I should probably have passed, but I was too embarrassed to beg off.

I'm glad I didn't. These breathtaking views show the awesome power of the Medici family wealth. Next time I think I'll climb the bell tower.

Exhaustion and the awesome view combined to set me on a depressive path. I contemplated throwing myself off the dome. I felt so alone up there. Obviously I didn't. I started to think no one would notice or care and no one would know how to contact the people I did know in America. Whatever reason, I took these awesome photographs and climbed back down.

My cane came in handy when a group of gypsy children approached me in the Duomo square. The guide book said that it was common to distract someone by holding something in front of them and then going in their pockets. The kids surrounded me and held a piece of cardboard toward me. I waved them all back with my cane. I didn't hit any of them, but I made sure I kept safe.

I left Florence and headed for Venice. I spent the day there rode around on the vaporetta Grand Canal boat "bus" and went over to St. Mark's square. I didn't go inside the Doge's palace but I did see the beauty of the mosaics inside the cathedral. The drizzle must have kept tourists in their rooms as the square sported more pigeons than people. Cool with me, I like birds better.

I selected the special of the day at the one sit down meal as the sun set. Lasagna, a salad and a mimosa made with thick apricot juice and some kind of Tuscan sparkling wine. Though I ate alone, I felt content as I floated to catch my train.

I'll write more about my ballsy adventures in later posts.

See? Fucking awesome. Told ya.

My Heart Belongs to Daddy

A couple of people have said they were working on quitting smoking. Congratulations to them.

Everyone in my family of origin smoked. Everyone except me. Some have since quit, but at one time or another, all three of my siblings and both parents lived with this lung destroying addiction.

Both my parents and all the men my mother married drank to excess. She denies that she "drank that much." Compared to an ocean, a lake isn't that much. But it's still water.

So just after my parents divorced and my father had custody of me and my older sister, it wasn't uncommon for him to have cans of beer on the coffee table. He'd leave four or five just strewn there. Often he'd have a few sips left in one, forget he already had one and open another.

I can hear his throaty "yeuck yeuch" as he sat in his green shirt and boxers laughing at HeeHaw and sucking his teeth. A wisp of smoke trailed from his jutting cigarette as he curled his fingers to reach for the Coors can.

On more than one occasion I sipped a few dribbles myself. I was around five. Yeah, dad couldn't ever be called the most responsible parent. He was doing the best he could.

One day, I came by and started sipping the dregs of his cans.The tang of the amber liquid tickled my nose. I must have been exceptionally small or the table larger, as I remember bringing the cans to the edge, tipping and sipping. I grabbed one, raised it to my lips and poured stale beer and cigarette ashes down my throat 

I've heard that kissing a smoker for a non smoker is like "licking an ashtray." I've kissed a smoker and I drank an ashtray. They're not the same.

I cannot get that experience out of my mind and whenever the thought of smoking or beer drinking comes up, I can't help but gag. Daddy had no notion of the valuable gift he gave me. He just liked his drinking and smoking ways.

I know addictions are rough things to get through. I hope those of you who are trying to change your lives have wonderful success.

Kind comments always welcome.

Don't Bring Me Down

Do something to improve the life of someone else. Just do it. Try something. Smile at everyone and be okay. I get that we can't all be happy, just choose okay. 

I had so many other things to write about today. Too many ideas in fact. Finally I decided to write this. To just ask everyone to chill out and lighten up. Grab on to kindness and don't let go. Buy your co worker a cup of coffee or have a brief chat. Whatever you can spare from your own busy life. 

Short and sweet. Kind comments welcome.