99 Tears

I've been avoiding problems in my life. We have massive debt left over from closing our business and owe taxes and fines beyond our meager income. The pile of paperwork to sort through it all seems insurmountable.

I've been paying the state of Oregon and I have a federal tax bill due on the first. Basically my July income has been spent.

Murry has some health concerns that are prolonging his hiring doing a job he wants. He has a doctor's appointment to find out what's going on.

I'm happy for him to have an opportunity and I appreciate the frustration. Though the job promises to be long hours. Which will be strange for me. I'm used to him being around a lot.

We need to fix things around the house and tend the yard, but it's sporadically raining. I guess I should just remember that nature is not something I can change and let it go.

We could really use high speed Internet, but we can't afford it right now. We tried to get it last year when Murry was working almost full time, but the cable company flaked out. My browser I have set up to do larger text with nice colors wont load things like Facebook.

I feel so left behind by all the new fangled technology. I want a smart phone too. We checked just before he got that merchandising job, the cheapest regular phone company wanted around $60 a month for one. I know I can get one of the pay as you go connections for $45, but  I will have to buy a phone.

I am mad at myself for not posting often enough to this blog. Not everything I think about involves joy, and I forget that it's okay to share that too. I am still an optimist and I feel very little shame about having problems. I feel a little guilt. Just a little.

If I weren't a procrastinator I wouldn't be a pro at anything ;)

If you feel the urge to offer help, make it in the form of morale support. Kind comments always welcome.

Happy

All happy happens sometimes. Mostly happy happens most of the time. With a little happy, ambivalence or neither happy nor sad and unhappy in about the same minor proportions. I'm counting content in the "mostly happy" category.

I went to two parties this weekend and before I even got there, my heart filled with the possibilities of meeting new people and getting a new perspective. I sometimes fret a little about putting too much pressure on something I haven't yet experienced. Though I do love being around people. Even if I didn't get to speak to anyone, just the chance to watch others interact would be fun.

Every time I go to gatherings it reminds me how social I am. When I wrote up my "dream day" for a goal setting exercise, I made sure it ended with a dinner party. I love diversity of conversation.

I can and will talk to strangers. "My that's a lovely shirt, " to the lady in line at the store. "Have you grown Armenian cucumbers?" to the farmers market vendor. Bold, honest, happy chat, anywhere, anytime.

Even my Murry got into the spirit. Last night he mentioned that we could fix up our yard and start having more people over to our house. Evidently, though he's a bit quieter than me, he had as good a time as I did.

Both parties had live music. One had a dance floor like great room and people swayed and whirled around in solstice celebration. Both bands flung melodic tones enlivening all who heard.

One party celebrated the 50th birthday of a friend. Since I had no such celebration for my own big 50 this year, I felt so close to the guy. His wife made deviled eggs from their own laying chickens and potato salad from ingredients she grew herself. She also made a wonderful carrot cake that surpassed any commercial confection I've had.

At the second party, people brought in pot luck foods and laid out an amazing spread of salads, dips, burritos (Murry's) and various interesting flavor combinations. I'll be dreaming about the bacon and cheese stuffed mild peppers for a long while.

I love being a sensor. Touching, tasting, seeing, hearing and smelling  new and interesting experiences raises me up. Add to that thinking about all the stories people tell. Connecting to some new friend's dream of moving to Oregon and finding it so charming. Hearing the story of a couple meeting 35 years ago and noticing how it has similar elements to meeting Murry. Telling my own view on the world. And having someone nod as they listen.

Experience + fellowship = happiness

Okay, dunno what you might comment on. If you think of something, then make it kind.

Spin Me Round

I let a discussion derail my writing. Or maybe I needed a blog break. I suppose I should have alerted those who read this to that, but I didn't.

I value myself and my ideals. I value my vision of the universe. I can accept, after a time, that other people may have a different perspective, but it does take me time. To me, pieces fit "my way." And it's confusing if someone sees a different puzzle.

Take for instance that I am an atheist. I don't view the universe as controlled by a consciousness. Though there are "forces" at work that are partly beyond my ken. Not beyond anyone's knowing, just things I cannot figure out.

I don't have to understand everything. My heart beats, sends blood around my body, without my conscious awareness. I'm okay to "not" study everything. I'm okay to have a passing awareness of these universal forces that guide stars and atoms around.

I like to share my perspective, part because I think diversity of thought is interesting and part because I think I'm "right." I don't want to live in a world filled with me, but I would like to live in a world filled with sorta kinda meness.

I want and value different points of view. Or do I? I don't want to talk to the Mormons or the Jehovah Witnesses that cross my porch. I have not compared different kinds of faith and rejected them all. I have listened to a smattering of interpretations and come to the conclusion this isn't for me.

I value rules and social constructs designed to benefit humankind. Fellowship holds a high place in my heart. Though my fellowship is based on a mutual love of the provable universe.

Some of my friends wish to remove a cross from a memorial in a local park. I don't care if there's a cross there or not. The one argument that intrigues me most comes from someone arguing that if it were a symbol from a non Christian faith many of the very same folks who want to keep the cross would be clamoring for it's removal.

One person's symbol of faith is "good," the other groups iconography is "bad." I still remained disinterested in removing a long established monument, but that argument holds more weight in my mind.

Okay, so I am gonna try and write more and not let things throw me off my high horse. Don't like what I have to say? Make your case. Kind reasoned and spam free comments get posted.

Blindness

Last night on Charlie Rose he had a bunch of guests talking about curing blindness. Very interesting science, but quite humiliating depictions of blind folks.

I'm all for a cure for my blindishness. Sign me up today! But what are you going to do for me if it doesn't work on my condition?

The only representative from the blind community lost his sight at age 20. That's rough for anyone. Going from one state to the next, all of life's major transitions, come as a shock.

Add to this how Charlie and some of the other guests spoke of the devastation and fear associated with blindness. Be afraid, be very afraid. Live in fear of losing something and fail to prepare for reality. Yeah, that's a great strategy.

Stop projecting your fear onto our existence. JUST STOP IT!

Sighted people's fear creates a public that lives in fear of associating with blind people. Then there are the do gooders. The software makers who decide what accessibility features work best without consulting those with visual impairments.

For example, the magnifying glass application that I use has a major flaw. It puts the mouse right in the middle of the enlargement window, enlarged of course. This covers up what I'm trying to read. I can't change where the mouse rests within the window. So I make the window bigger than necessary and read on the other side of the mouse. This imperfect solution works okay. It's better than having to download and test yet another piece of software.

I image there are all kinds of published studies on imperfect people. I bet they show that we are happy and sad and angry and fearful at about the same rate as more "average" people. We want to have meaningful lives and get married, just like the average person.

I expect that if you see me struggling, you'll offer to help. JUST like if I am aware of your struggles, I will offer mine. Both of us can say no thank you. Don't assume your help is needed and just try and do something for me. Some things I want or need to work out on my own.

I realize my disability factors in as part of my existence. It's rough to find work if you don't fit into the mold of the potential employers. We can change that mold by requesting that people are portrayed more as they are and less as a caricature of who someone thinks they are.

Kind comments encouraged.

School's Out for Summer

Science and math compliment each other. Most of the classes I took had a math prerequisite. Having them taught with two different instructors, left me somewhat confused.

While taking chemistry and pre-calculus during the same semester, we covered logarithms at the same time. Finally the value of logs made sense. I aced the test in both classes because the subjects paralleled each other.

I told the math teacher that the "word problems" within the text book were vague and difficult to understand, but doing the exact same thing IN chemistry, made it all become clear.

I think that math and science classes need to be taught together. I mentioned this to some friends and they suggested that humanities have similar complimentary classes. Things like social studies, literature and even history all go together. Often my literature instructor talked about the times in which a story was written and explained how that colored the perspective of the author. Dry history  turns into exciting river rapids if taught with a flair for the social nuances of the times in which it was happening.

Teaching these classes in a complimentary way would benefit students by engaging them more in the topics. With math, it's way easier to understand logs if you use the calculation for something you can see. With literature, Jonothan Swift's "A Modest Proposal,' takes on a whole new meaning if you understand the Irish famine and political problems of the day.

Yes, it's a more complicated educational model and would require far more educator coordination. Plus it goes against the status quo.

Perhaps such a plan could begin with a simple coordination of subjects. When I took college level theater as literature along with film as literature, the professor complimented the two classes. Not everything did a direct connection, but we did watch two different films about Shakespeare's Richard III while we read the play. We also saw a live performance. All in the span of a week.

We didn't, but we could have talked about the history of that king in our history class. Those two professors could have simply coordinated and shared a brief examination of the truth versus reality of the fictional accounts.

We did talk about these things with regard to the fictional portrayal of William Wallace. Though Braveheart wasn't one of the films we viewed in our literature class.

What class combinations would you like to see? For educators, have you had experience with any kind of coordination with other subjects? How did these work out? Kind and thoughtful comments welcome.

King Midas

Last year about this time, Murry and I decided that we couldn't afford to keep our store open any longer. We had begged, borrowed and cajoled as much as we could from our friends and family.

Tuesday of this week, I had a massive bout of personal failure. I suspect that the anniversary of the business closing, along with having to fill out some biographical information for the Oregon Commission for the Blind, overwhelmed my confidence.

I'm doing better now, but it took me some time to sort out that the one year anniversary could be a big source of stress. Murry suggested I just do one thing. Concentrate on going to Curves. I love going to exercise and interact with people.

I also changed doctors this month and ended up with a very similar person. She's from a different country and has browner skin, but what irritated me about my previous doctor, irritates me about this one. This was my fear. Getting stuck with the same thing.

I'm going to stick with the new doc because I don't have any kind of bad history with her. I am going to try and express my feelings more up front. I've found, that if one expresses a troubled emotional history, doctors ignore any other thing you say. But I can talk about my "today" feelings.

My friend Jess asked me what I wanted in a doctor, I think I posted that I have no idea. I kind of do, but I am a bit afraid to ask for it. It seems pointless to ask for what isn't very likely. Though, what does it hurt to dream?

I want my doctor to see me as a person with lots of interrelated medical conditions. I want someone who cares about my emotional state as much as the physical. I want a doc that tries to deal with conditions as a whole body approach. I want appreciation for the efforts I am making. I want a real person who understands that chocolate is a valuable substance. I want reasonable doable suggestions. I can find vague generalities on my own.

I would like to talk to a nutritional expert on occasion. They must be a human who knows what it's like to be imperfect and how life is sometimes a struggle. I'm lucky I have caring people who specialize in exercise to talk to, but if I didn't, it would be nice to talk to someone like that. I wish I had a group that talked about the emotional aspects of letting go of weight on a regular basis.

If I really had everything health related in a perfect state, I wish I could do therapy in a park while taking a nice walk. I know that's pure fantasy, but I think it would be good to give my body something to do so it wouldn't just sit in a chair and fret when talking about my problems.

So these are the things that have been on my mind this week. As always, kind comments welcome!

In the Year 2525

If you don't know the song I used as title, find it and listen. Lots of social comment in lyrical form. Interesting.

So I've had a thought and though it's different than the song implies, I felt the flavor suited my thinking best. I have a proposal of sorts to the wealthy and those who wish to deny the less fortunate any opportunity to thrive. Why play these ridiculous games?

The planet cannot continue to support this many people. Rather than  locking up and turning off their heat, why not start farming the less thans?

Jonathan Swift suggested just eating babies in his essay "A Modest Proposal." I say, why stop there? Many wealthy people have made it clear that they feel  the poor are a nuisance  So why not remove the problem? Start with prisoners. They're "bad," after all.

Then I suggest farming the homeless. Oh, first you get them off the street to fatten them up for some nice marbling. Then anyone who's ever been on welfare or government funded disability income. Grandma might not be so tasty, so feed her to the younger poor.

A committee will need to be formed to figure out who to eat and who might be too toxic. Perhaps made up of former prison guards?

Removing the weakest links will strengthen the offspring of those at the top. No more need for tax increases to pay for any entitlements. Much of that farmland that we use for cattle and corn can be turned back into natural habitat.

The privileged can make their human cattle perform a limited farming duty on the land that remains. After all, potatoes and a nice salad go well with meat.

This will take a few centuries to accomplish as there will be some who may resist. But once it's in full swing, the rest of the life on the planet will have time to recover. Then the progeny of the powerful  can reap.. or rape... the benefits of less people using up resources.

I feel my rational, suggestions serve a valid argument. Should your views, differ, state them plainly.

If you take this as a serious proposal, I think you should possibly be the first to graze the future pastures.

Kind comments welcome.

Doctor, Doctor!

I fled my doctor's office in tears. I've come to realize that something about our discussion triggered a fight or flight response in me. I know I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I just thought I'd mostly dealt with it.

Some tell me I over share. While my drama sometimes sticks around when I express it, usually things get better when I can resolve my conflicts. Doing so publicly means there is a chance that someone else can benefit from my meltdowns.

The Oregon health plan allows you to change doctors twice in a 12 month period. We have few general practitioners in our rural county and I didn't quite know how to pick one.  I asked around, but the doctor everyone suggested wasn't taking patients. I did find someone who patiently listened to my problems and suggested two doctors for me.

Since I don't have many choices, I have decided that I will go in with this new one with my own plan and lay down the law right off the bat. She can advise and counsel  but I will decide what I will and wont do. I will be stubborn and reject any and all suggestions that I don't feel will help me.

I haven't decided if I shall disclose my emotional history. I feel it may not matter and some medical professionals use such disclosures as a kind of excuse for rejecting my point of view.

I recently told someone to play all the what ifs to a situation. Rather than sit and decide what an outcome will be, test it in your mind and figure out what to do if....  before ever going into action. Plan for the worst, make strategies then expect the best. I guess I'll take my own advice. I feel so much better now.

See, that's why I "over share." Someone might read that and take that tack in their own life.

Kind comments welcome.

Amazing Grace

As a moral atheist, I get quite confused by this notion that one must be faithful to be good. When I stated this to a friend, he agreed. He wondered if people of faith were confronted with irrefutable proof that god did not exist, if they would just break out raping and pillaging?

Some might, I don't know. I tend to think that the secular consequences give people more pause in their actions. If you steal, you go to jail. If you drive the wrong way down a road, you lose your license.

I admit, I've stolen this next thought. What about the faith based rules that have changed as people figured out how to do things differently? Like the reasons for not eating pork had a lot to do with improper cooking methods. What happens to people who were committed to eternal damnation for violating such rules? Do they get a transfer to purgatory or heaven?

As a member of society, I feel a sense of responsibility to vote, to ask questions and to participate. I'm American, so we have a set of rules established over the centuries. As social morays changed, so did these rules.

My personal motto is unless it gets in your way, what's it to ya? I understand some questions are up for debate and I grapple with them as much as the next person. Not from a faith perspective, but from one of "is this good for most of society?"

Is it better for kids to be raised with a mother and a father? I say yes. First, two parents can provide financially. Second, society favors a man and a woman relationship. Does this mean I am  against same sex coupling or parenting? No. I just see it as a challenge.

My childhood would have benefited from some stability, though I don't think I would be who I am if not for the obstacles I faced. I want single moms, homeless vets and mixed up addicts to find social support.

I fail to see how it helps society or anyone to be labeled as sinful. Heck, how about we let go of lots of unhelpful labeling. Godless, for instance.

I get it, some people who practice a secular lifestyle, get in the face of those that practice faith. I understand that you may feel someone is taking something from you.

Take a second to consider what it's like to be in our shoes. Church has a social aspect that it's hard to find if you don't believe. We have no representation in most legislatures and not a single person has been elected to the United States congress without invoking faith.

Homosexuality, which some consider a grave sin, has more social support. Though that is quite a recent phenomenon.

I pay attention to community rules and don't break laws. I will admit, I've not heard of atheists getting beat up or killed. That is not to say that it doesn't happen. I think we lurk quietly on our own.

Possibly in science classes and laboratories. We ask questions and wonder about the true nature of things. We marry, love others, drive our cars and behave as part of the group.

I invite the faithful to befriend an atheist today. Not as a new possible convert, but as a possible friend. Agree to have differing points of view on some things. Agree to agree on other things.

We're not gonna snatch your babies and eat them, honest!

Kind comments welcome!

War!

War! HUH What is it good for? Absolutely NOTHIN.

Those lyrics play on my brain every time I hear the term "War on Poverty." I understand their sentiment, though my philosophy tends toward an open mind.

I'm neither for or against the concept of going to war. Sometimes a country has to defend it's ideals and back it up with force. Sometimes, those interests are vague and tenuous. Sometimes, they're made up. But that's a whole other war post.

War as a term for an organized effort to accomplish some huge social undertaking started I suppose with President Lyndon Johnson's "War on Poverty."

This would be the time I would say war has no use. First, the point of war is to fight. The object becomes a putting down of an "enemy"  who's reverse object is to put YOU down first. Adversaries fight, that's the point.

I argue that it should be a peace on poverty. Peace is negotiated.

Especially in the case of poverty. The poor lack resources and live in devastation. This resembles more the end of a war, to a time of seeking reconstruction and cessation of hostilities.

There's a concept in real estate called attractive nuisance. That is, if an abandoned house has one window broken, it wont be long before more windows in that house will lose their glass. The pattern stops if the first incident gets repaired.

Caring for a society means caring for all segments within it. A poor, disenfranchised population becomes the attractive nuance, breaking windows until they get the attention they deserve.

It doesn't matter if we "love" our fellow man, what matters is we are interdependent on each other. That if a large poor population spreads disease, these diseases cross income lines. It benefits all social strata to have a reasonably healthy, educated and content lower class.

On the other side, if they're sick, stupid and angry, untold hardship can come from their frustration. Things like riots, drug use and other mayhem. None of which will stay within the poor community.

So let us save everyone and create programs that eliminate the attractive nuisance of poverty.

We need a Peaceful Reconstruction.

Ain't gonna do WAR no more!

Kind comments welcome!

Who Are You

I don't do "resolutions" for new years. I do self evaluations and possibly goals. Some goal guru's would decidedly NOT approve of my method, but others gave me the idea in the first place!

I make plans and set things in motion, but if they don't work out, I change streams. I used an inspiration piece for my master bath and went to pick color samples for it. I got distracted by this color called gold fish. The master bedroom ended up completely different from what I imagined. I LOVED IT.

I wrote down on a piece of paper all the crazy ways I could get me a house. Then I just put it in a drawer and forgot about it. After I had my house, I found it again. It's weird, but I got my house through one of the ways.

Murry thinks that prayer works as a way to focus ourselves and sort out what we want. As an atheist, I prefer to call it intentional thought. Whatever you call it, putting out a request gives you a kind of message board to tack ideas to.

So my questions starting this year are: Who am I and what do I want. Yes, I stole these questions from Babylon 5, where JMS got the idea is none of my business.

I write a blog, I'm hella creative and find even broken glass interesting. I am a survivor and most days thriver. I survived a painful childhood, cancer, a divorce and the loss of two business. It seems that these things made me better. I cannot say if that's the purpose of  problems.

I want enough money to do the interesting things that pop in my head. I want a diverse group of friends who think somewhat like me, but with different perspectives on topics of interest.

This year, I want to be healthier and eat well. I love stuff that's considered good for you, so at least there's that.

I want to lean toward happy and if I'm having a day, lean toward okay. I'm pretty good at that, thought I should state it for all to see.

I want to learn to let Murry be who he wants to be. I tend to want to push him past his head space. I hope I remember to do my own thing and leave him alone if he has different ideas.

I want to get more consistent about doing stuff, like posting. I started this a few days ago. I'm doing good on consistent on many things as it is, I just want to do more. I exercise three times each week and I'm getting my blood pressure tested once a week.

I will finish up my series of slavery this January. That's my one true goal. I'm also looking for a writing partner to share editing duties. Lets say I'll find one by the end of February.

So that's me, this fine January day. Who are you?

Happy New Year!

Thanks for the Memories

Thought I'm soooo glad to see 2013 go, I thought I would take some tome to say thank you for all the experiences.

I'm deeply grateful to Glenn for his generous spirit as my store started failing. He believed in us enough to help us through the last couple of weeks.

When I look back, I'm proud we went as long as we did with our store. I know that it could work with someone with a better plan. My hope is that someone will figure this out and grow it into something wonderful.

Yay for medical coverage that could deal with my cancer  quickly and that nothing spread. Thankfully, my scars are healing and my spirits are good.

I'm thankful for the Coos County Library System. The DVD section entertains me when I'm low and the access to interesting and amazing books keeps me informed on a large variety of topics.

We found a wonderful friend in Nick, who tends our yard and does odd jobs. He delights in science and science fiction as much as we do.

Life works best when you are willing to accept the less than perfect. We found a used spa tub to redo our master bathroom, a closeout vent/microwave for very cheap and Murry bought me a slightly used tablet for the holiday. Now we just need to find a deal on some cabinets.

It might sound silly, but sometimes you gotta sit down and thank the most insignificant things. Breathing comes to mind. I also have the ability to type, think and hear reasonably well. I can see some.

Strange things I learned this year include: You can cut your own hair and get noticed but changing your glasses doesn't register on anyone's radar. Vegetarian isn't so bad, once in a while.

I raise my glass of wait.. I don't have anything but water.. heh oh well.. DEAL. I raise my glass of water to the new year. How can it help but be better than this one!

Happy New Year!

Santa Baby

If you got no one to love this holiday, have a look in the mirror. That person needs love and attention.

Listen to Ertha Kit and ask for what you want. Make a plan, take a few steps and see what happens.

Before I met the Murry, I wrote down that I wanted a man like him. I also wanted a house. Murry had a house.

All I did was want those things. I had a clear definition of what they would look, sound and feel like. When I found them, they were familiar.

People like me, who grew up with an chaotic family sometimes find that familiar. Even if they vow they don't want what they lived, they find themselves repeating family patterns.

We can fill in those ruts and make a new path. It's not always easy or fun, but it's WORTH the outcome.

Make a plan, buy some sand, fill in those furrows and get working on a better life.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!